As I write this, my kids are napping, my mom is out walking Jude, and I have anywhere between 1 and 90 minutes to myself to reflect on the last 13 days. The best way to describe what I've felt in the last two-ish weeks is an weather and hormone (okay, and sleep) affecting emotional rollercoaster. The days where the sun didn't come out were the hardest. I think I had 3 days of real baby blues with the rainy weather and hormones coursing through my body. On those days I felt very sad. Not sad about any one thing - more just overwhelmed, down, fatigued and scared for days when
I'll be on my own. I was so lucky that Mark was home with me on those days; continually filling my cup, reassuring me, holding me and listening. I always felt better after a good cry, but I definitely didn't want that feeling to set up camp in me. So beyond grateful that it is Spring, and sun is making a greater presence in the Kootenay Valley every day. I feel a strong physical difference - a literal weight lifted when the sun beams on my skin.
We took a day together as a fresh family of four to find a lake on the the most gorgeous day of 2017 (this far). I sat in the far back of the van so I could make sure Elliot was okay in his carseat for the longer drive. Watching the two of them sit side by side, Mark wearing his sunglasses in the front, the ridiculous and cute Raffi cd playing in the background, and the mountains and pine trees zoom by - it was a magic moment. We eventually found a great spot after some driving. We let Penelope crawl around in the grass and sand. With the long winter, she really hasn't had many opportunities to explore the earth on her own. It was SO fun and amazing to watch her light up outside. Her happiness was radiating out of her as she crawled right into the cold water and rough rocky sand. Squishing the mud between her fingers, putting it in her mouth and just sitting with how it all felt. It was one of my favourite Penelope moments to date. She was soaked and covered in mud and rocks and sand, her sunhat stayed on because she was joyfully distracted by her surroundings. Splashing (she doesn't splash normally!), laughing, pointing, talking. It was such a special day. Only one little family was at the beach with us, the lake was green and still and it was 26 degrees. Just the perfect way to spend Elliot's one week together. On the drive home, I was beaming with gratitude and love for my little family.
Today, almost a week later - I am happy to still feel so good. Elliot continues to be such a chill little potato. He doesn't like cold wipes on his bum (who does?), but that's about as tough as he gets. We've only had 2 or 3 'really hard' nights - where he was up every 1.5-2 hours, but overall he gets up 2 times a night, and last night was just 1 - Wooo!!! He is learning about night and day and my goal is to have him sleep through the nights at 6 weeks.
Penelope had her hard days last week as I wrote in the blog, since then she has been so good. Curious, caring, gentle and so happy. Having either Mark or my mom at home to balance the attention as we all get used to our new addition has been so helpful, but even when I was alone with my two kids, she was so gentle to me and Elliot. I think she started to understand that I couldn't pick her up as often, the bigger I got with pregnancy, so I feel like she has a special patience for me. She mostly takes her books off the shelves, and goes through all of them many times a day. She eats on her own for the most part - we just put a few different cut up foods on her plate and she eats as she pleases. The hardest thing, is that she can't walk yet - so when we are out, the timing and transportation of the two take a lot of coordination but I know it's temporary! It all is! So I don't want to rush either of my kids to the next 'milestone'. It will come fast enough. This time last year I was so eager for Penelope to be able to hold her head up, and now I cry at how dang big she is, and how much of a toddler she has become - where is baby p???
I know in a few days I will be back on my own with them, but I am not thinking about it too much. A little bit out of fear, but mostly i just want to be here now. Keeping this post a little shorter as Elliot needs to feed!
Ending in gratitude:
- Sun. Thank you for showing your face, lifting me up, and bringing the changes of Spring to Fernie. The plants are flourishing, the birds are singing, and I can finally go outside. Praise!
- My mom. Happily waking up with Penelope, feeding us, cleaning and supporting me in this transition. I am so lucky!
- Penelope and Elliot. Thank you guys for being happy little beings. I'm so grateful you are here and healthy and together.
- Friends. Everyone who messaged us, sent flowers and gifts, and made us dinner. Thank you <3
Sending love from the mountains!