This week was my first week without help from visitors. I say without visitors, because I still received help. So much help from Mark, and help from friends in the form of food and support. Thank you friends! Mornings would be absolutely brutal without Mark making and feeding Penelope breakfast, since Elliot is up at the same time needing to breastfeed. One kid crying is alright, because the other one can sit and do whatever they are doing, but two crying is tough. I've been lucky that I haven't seen much of that though. Elliot continues to be a happy little potato, and Penelope understands more every day. Mark is taking one night feed on Wednesday, Friday and Saturday's, so I can get a bit more rest. Those nights so far have been HUGE in helping me feel more rested the next day. I'm excited for more of those tomorrow and tonight haha. Yesterday marked three weeks post-partum and from what I've read, having an uncomplicated birth, it's an okay time to start moving more. I went for an hour walk with the kids in the stroller and it was hard but awesome. Sun was shining and I think for the first time in 5 months I felt a surge of endorphins and sweat. Holy man did I miss that feeling. Even though it was just a walk - after months of virtually zero movement, it felt like a great workout. My goal is an hour walk a day. I know it's easier said then done, but it's on my list. My first attempt yesterday failed after 5 minutes because Elliot needed to feed earlier than I projected. Second attempt was a success. I just have to make it a priority and try until I get it! They were both wide awake for the first half hour, then fell asleep within five minutes of eachother. It may not seem like a big deal or something to be excited about, but it gave me so much joy! To see them both able to relax and sleep while I get some physical activity in?? It felt like such a win. I'm happy to celebrate those moments, and I look forward to more of them. I look back on my week alone and I feel really proud of myself. It felt like such a huge mountain to climb last Sunday, but here I am on Friday morning, feeling good. The three of us are fed, and the kids are napping. Score! The house is definitely a mess. Loads of laundry are waiting for me, dishes and toys to put away, I need to shower and get changed, but I feel energized and I have a moment to write this, so for that I am thankful.
Taking out the "Can't wait's"
Sometime in my pregnancy with Elliot, I realized I was saying a lot of "can't wait for". I can't wait until Penelope can walk. I can't wait until they can talk and tell us things. I can't wait until we can go away on a trip alone. I can't wait for better weather. I can't wait to workout. I can't wait to be fit again. I can't wait until we can go camping. It was kind of endless. I've always been someone who looks forward to the future with excitement, and I will always do that. Like I said in my last blog post, I think after seeing how fast Penelope's first year went, I don't want to rush anything. When I say I can't wait for ____, I'm taking away from what is good about what's happening right now. I'm still excited for all those things I listed (and more), but I'm trying to catch myself from the "can't wait's", and taking a second to feel this current moment. Elliot is growing freaking fast. I told my family he is bulking like crazy, so I am hugging him extra long after burping him, because tomorrow he is an ounce bigger, and the day after that, maybe even more. His 0-3 month clothes are getting snug and he's not even a month yet. So I'm taking that extra consciousness to enjoy right now, right now.
Okay, then there are the "remember when's"
There were lots of days in my pregnancy (and a bit after it) that I would look at old photos of Mark and I, I'd cry, then send them to him being like "look how fit we were what happened im crying aaaahhhh". My body is completely different now. I'm not really looking at the scale, but I see it in the mirror and in photos. This is a reminder to myself, and anyone in this feeling - to be gentle, and trust, and to love. Pick one thing to be thankful for. I'm so thankful I can feed my baby with my body. I'm so happy my skin is soft. I'm so happy I'm not peeing my pants when I walk (serious concern I had in the first few days post-partum). I think about when I'm 30 and 40 and 50 and I will look back to this moment when I'm 25 and think why the eff didn't I appreciate my 25 year old body?! The crazy thing is that I remember when the old photos were taken, and I didn't think I was fit or attractive in that moment, and it makes me sad now. To see myself and know I was fit and beautiful but in that moment I couldn't see it. It makes me sad to think that is how I thought, but I also realize I am still doing it, in a way. So yes, my body changed. I've got a ways to go to get back to feeling as strong as I was, but I see it as an opportunity rather than a disaster. And just like the "can't wait's", I want to have more love for the present. More "this is amazing right now's". Sorry for what I said, body. I love you.
The last month with Penelope has been so interesting. I was having a hard time really appreciating the stage she was in during my last weeks of pregnancy because I was getting so tired and uncomfortable. I couldn't play with her on the floor or carry her easily, so engaging was just limited. Now that I can lie on my belly, move with ease, pick her up and take time to really watch her and play with her, it's been so amazing. She is saying new words almost every day. She is listening and watching so carefully, and being bold and brave enough to try to make the new sound she just heard. She said nana for banana this week and she also started to do a really good duck quack. She loves saying 'hat' and putting her hands on her head. She is such a sponge and watching her go from not knowing, to knowing and communicating is incredible! She is such an entertainer, and already has an awesome sense of humour. We are so very proud of you, Penelope!
Ending in gratitude (Elliot needs to eat!)
- Thankful for friends bringing food!
- Thankful for Mark being an amazing dad and husband. You bring love and excitement home, and help me every day.
- Master of None. Season two guys!!!! I'm almost done it. It's amazing. I love every episode. And next to the Office, it's probably the only show I would watch 5 more times. The music is SO GOOD! I love you, Aziz.
- Health. So grateful for my family's health, and my health. Thankful to be able to go on long walks and hikes to feel strength and endorphins again.
- Nearby hikes. We have hiked to see the Fairy Creek Falls twice in the last week. It's so beautiful and refreshing. And only 5 minutes away. Score!
- Sunshine! Shout out to sunshine! I love you! Don't leave k?
Sending love from the mountains,