I've had a lot on my mind and on my plate lately and I feel the need to reflect, share and maybe get some insight. I see the last time I wrote an update/reflection on our life was over a month ago. It seems the time between each post gets longer every time I come to write... but that is okay. For now, I just want to let my thoughts flow and write about life lately. On the weekend of October 1st we moved from one mountain home, to another beautiful mountain home. Moving is one of those life events that requires for a lot of decisions, logistics, planning, time and effort. And until you are completely through it, you don't really know what you've signed up for. That being said, we are on the other side and I am very glad and grateful. A week hadn't passed in our new home before I came down with a gross cold, and spread it to Penelope. During this time, she began growing molars. 4 of them. It's been a lot harder. She is so quick to scream and cry and get frustrated with everything, which in turn I think makes us all easier to cry and get frustrated with everything. Ten minutes into waking up in the morning and she is loosing her shit for some oatmeal. It's really hard for me to gage how much of this is due to pain, or if she is choosing to be an insane demanding toddler. Mark and I both don't have patience for bad behaviour, but is she struggling and aching because giant teeth are bursting through in her head? Don't know.
Today there was a lot of yelling and crying at me. The time and effort it takes to feed them, change them, get them out of the house, and into the stroller is longer than I anticipate everytime. Not only longer, but louder. By the time I'm actually out of the house, I felt so tired and emotionally drained. The last few days I've actually gotten more sleep than I have in months, but I still feel really tired. I think having anyone cry/scream at you or around you is draining on your heart and brain at any age. I felt the weight of it today and had a little breakdown. Tired with the kids, craving creativity and productivity that comes with work, worrying about timing/ skills/abilities/childcare when that time comes, and generally just being overwhelmed. I'm grateful I had mark and my bff to talk to on the phone and just cry for a bit and be heard and realize all these things are okay and managable and will work out. I have guilt for wanting to work and be my own person, while still wanting to savour time with my kids while they are sweet small squishes. Especially Elliot being as new (and jovial) as he is.
When I got home from the walk, there was more screaming/fussing from the kids but not as bad at earlier. I got them both down for naps and had a long hot bath. So needed. So amazing. So. Nice. Even in there, I found it hard to shut down my thoughts and get off 'the mom train' for a few minutes. Which is why I am also reflecting and writing now and to get it off my chest. I feel like I was able to catch my breath and slow down and tune out for a second. The act of putting my phone on airplane mode is one of my favourite things. It is legit an off switch. The blinds are shut and the door is locked. The kids are sleeping and I can just be for second. I thought about what my future self would advise or say to me, and she said 'not to rush'. It felt good to hear/feel. It took the weight and pressure off a bit too. 6 months (until Elliot is 1) feels like so far away and a lot to chew, but it's really a blip in time. No rush. I just have to trust the timing of my life and know it's going to be great and I'll return to work at the perfect place at the perfect time. Just trust.
My aunt sent me this article with a title like "I know I wanted this, but it's okay to say it's hard.". It's short but sweet, and right on point. Most of my days are so sweet, easy, joyful and fun. I am beyond blessed to have two healthy happy babies and my supportive and loving husband, to live in a cozy home in a safe town, and to have great friends nearby (down the street or on the phone kilometres away). I don't take any of this for granted. But life has good days and bad days. One of my favourite pages from "Think Happy Be Happy" says 'everyday may not be good, but there is good in every day'. Exhale. Putting words down helps me organize my thoughts and literally see what is on my heart and mind. I see it clearer now and I feel better.
What is the goal of this? Mostly to clear my head, but maybe also to shine a light on the other side of life and motherhood. I chose this life and love it so much, but it's not always easy, and some days I need help and that is okay and normal too.
Wherever you're at in life, I hope you can carve out that time to 'come down' from the more demanding days and do some self-care. If you have tips or stories, I'd love to hear them. I'm also here to listen if you need, too.
I'll end in gratitude. So very thankful for the following:
- seeing Penelope take her first steps. As cliche as it is, it is one of life's greatest joys. She is taking a risk and literally a big step towards independence and strength. It's beautiful. I never appreciated it until I lived it.
- Bath time. The water at our new place is HOT. and there is natural light and a spa feel once you dip in. So nice.
- Mark. He cleaned the tub so I could have a nice bath. He tidied the house so I could focus on relaxing instead of cleaning. He listens and always has something positive and powerful to say to me. My love knows no bounds for you, Mark!
- Elliot eats solid food. So simple, but it's exciting. We dropped the dream feed (the bottle before we go to bed) now that he can have solids and he sleeps 7PM-8AM. Truly a gift to us! Now we can go to be earlier too.
- Access to spin and yoga. Thankful to get to teach, but also attend classes at Soar Studios in Fernie. It is such a source of release for me!
- Friends. Dancing at the drag show last week, going for walks and talking to me on the phone/facetime. Thank you and I love you.
Wishing you a sweet week ahead! Send me your thoughts and stories!
Love from the mountains,