As I write this, my litebook (light for people who get seasonal affective disorder) is shining in my eyeballs in an effort to make my body feel less of the darkness that winter brings. It is and has been dumping snow for more than a day, and I can't really remember what day I saw the sun last. That being said - the snow is very pretty. The cold snap is not yet here. And I actually feel really great! Today is Tuesday and it is my day alone with Elliot. We are on day four of potty training - which to my surprise, has been easier and more successful than I expected *knocks on wood*. I think it also means that he's been ready for a while, aware for a while, and we should have started earlier. But here we are! Penelope completely trained herself and just decided she was potty trained one day - so this is new to be making an effort. I sit next to Elliot and read until he goes. It takes patience, but it's honestly been a really sweet time. Playing and reading close to him, and just seeing him learn a big new skill is really rewarding and exciting. The pride is real.
Penelope is at preschool for the first time since before Christmas. I hope she is having a good day and I am expecting that she is. Lately she's been saying things like "Water. is the letter for water, W?" She has an interest in words and letters and I love seeing it. We had a few rough nights of her being afraid of bad dreams and the dark, but the last two nights have been much smoother and I think we are moving in the right direction. We were going to move them into one room before baby3 was born, but it worked out that she actually wanted to and felt comforted by being around Elliot. It's been so sweet. While rearranging Elliot's room to fit her, we took a wall down on his bed to make it a 'big boy bed'. Another thing we as parents really hype up - will they be ready? will they fall out? will they just play all night? All of which are real possibilities but luckily for us, Elliot didn't blink an eye or change any behaviour. The only marked change is that when Penelope wakes up in the morning, she's hauling him with her. He doesn't mind. He is just happy to have a best friend <3 Also Penelope has been such a cute cheerleader for Elliot's potty training. She wants jelly beans for pooping, too but I can't blame her lol.
Yesterday I found and played a bit of my old hypnobirthing tracks I used with Elliot. These are 20-47 minute guided hypnotic meditations aimed to help give calm, smooth, beautiful pregnancies, labours and births. I found them so helpful in easing any anxiety last time, also I felt like I had a strong base of affirmations to rely on during my labour. The moment I heard the first sounds yesterday I felt cued for relaxation and calm again - amazing! It will be trickier finding a free 47 minutes uninterrupted with two kids now, but I loved it so much and I will try my best. I also watched some positive birth videos yesterday. I find them SOOOOOO inspiring and incredible. I know for a lot of people they don't want to see or know anything before they are in it - but I can't tell you how empowering and inspiring it is to me, to see a woman give birth. Every single video I see I can't help but grab at my heart and feel SO moved. There really is nothing quite like it. Miraculous every time. My goal with our third baby is to have another great birth. I want to feel strong and ready. Excited and brave. Yet calm and trusting. I feel so thankful every day. Being pregnant is such an interesting and small chapter of life to get to experience. Penelope was our first successful pregnancy, and she came 6 weeks early. It felt so quick. I didn't show till way after 20 weeks, and I didn't get super big because she was so early to the party! Then Elliot happened so fast that I didn't have a chance to catch my breath or do a single crunch. I popped immediately, but having a less than one year old made that pregnancy feel fast too. And maybe 9 months of pregnancy is just fast. Years pass by with a blink sometimes - we all know this and feel this. It's emotional just thinking the last time I was here (this pregnant) was already 3 years ago. Our babies are growing and becoming children and humans. When we go and check on our sleeping kids at night before we sleep, I see how much they've grown. Penelope was the size of her own baby doll when she came out. Just five pounds. And now she is tall and strong, getting closer to completely outgrowing her bed. Where has time gone? I think all parents feel this. And cry occasionally (rn). So this moment right now, is a trip. Being pregnant, expecting in the Spring again, and for the third time, triggers lots of memories and emotions and realizations about time. I said it with Elliot, but I hadn't even had enough time with Penelope to really know how fast that first year goes with your baby. So for you baby3, I don't want to rush anything. You'll hit your milestones at just the right time. I'll get my body back when I get my body back. But I just want to remember how precious each day is. A baby changes every day. It is remarkable. It will be harder because there will be three munchkins. 3 People who need so much love and attention. But we are game.
Although Winter always feels long, I want to have slow moments next to my kids doing what they are doing in this moment. The moments don't happen again. I'll treasure time with two, before our next is born. I embrace my changing pregnant body, and savour the kicks and dance parties every night. My focus is here at home with my family. It won't always be here like this, but for now, I am so happy for this life right here and now.
Fave things lately:
- having living green plants in our house when it is cold and snowy outside
- giving the kids green smoothies disguised as 'chocolate pudding' for breakfast thanks to my new blender
- Bachelor is back which means ladies night plus Mark on tuesday's woooo
- being cozy and settled at home after lots of days away oct-dec
- my silk pillowcase I got from my mom. My hair dries so much nicer
- seeing the kids quietly read in their beds in their new shared room
- watching Peaky Blinders with Mark at night
- getting back to teaching barre
- seeing Elliot have success with potty training
Sending love and gratitude from the mountains,